The end of "summer".

Today is September 1st. I woke up this morning and checked my phone and my first thought was "yessss finally it's the first day of spring!" It then slowly dawned on me that no, it was not spring with its hope of warmth and fun, daffodils and tulips and sunshine.

Nope, it's the end of summer actually. Autumn and winter are approaching, and I for one am not impressed.

Is it because I'm still on New Zealand time and September = Spring? Perhaps. But I think it's more the fact that I feel like I've missed out on a summer this year. I can count on one hand the times I've left the house without a coat on since moving to Mull. It's gotten above 18 degrees even less than that.

When I was packing to move up here, it was April and warm. I optimistically packed one jumper and decided that would be enough as I was just moving here for the summer. Summer does not equal jumpers. Yes it was Scotland and yes I'd heard the rumours that Scotland is cold and wet. But I figured the British like to exaggerate especially when it comes to the weather, and really it wouldn't be that bad.

A week later I made my mum post the rest of my jumpers up to me. I haven't taken them off since.

This may sound like the ramblings of a crazed woman, but to be honest I'm just a bit fed up. I LIVE for summer. I'm not one of these people who love it when autumn arrives and they can wrap up in all the layers. I want to wear shorts and t-shirt at all times. I want to be too hot and sweaty and never take my sunglasses off and swim in the sea and read a book outside and get bitten by mozzies and go camping and have lunchtime outdoor beers and not even think about coats or jeans for months. I love it all.

Whilst we've had maybe two or three days like that here, it's mostly been raining and cold.

Back in December Nick and I moved back to the UK. We left NZ, a country that we are completely in love with and were so happy living in. We left our gorgeous house by the sea, left Kaikoura - a town that felt like our home, sold and gave away our things and moved back.

We moved back to be closer to our families and our friends.

We moved back in with our parents and spent four months applying for every single job that we could find. It was hard work, job hunting and not earning. We wanted to see our friends but had to be careful with money, so mostly we didn't see them. Jobs we thought we'd easily get didn't even get back to us.

Then finally, FINALLY after four months of nothing, Nick got an interview and was then offered a job as a wildlife guide up here on the Isle of Mull. He obviously took it, and soon after I was offered my job in the same place. It was SUCH a relief. Yes I wouldn't be earning very much, neither would Nick, but they were JOBS and in the same place, and in fields that we both wanted to be in. Amazing.

Mull is an island on the west coast of Scotland, part of the inner Hebrides. It's a beautiful place, wild and green and full of incredible wildlife. It's an exciting place to be, and I'm grateful that we were able to live here for a few months. I've been lucky enough to go sailing on my work's research boat for a few days, have seen multiple minke whales, dolphins and even a basking shark. I've learned a lot about marine conservation and met interesting people who have shared so much knowledge with me. I've seen the sea every day and climbed a mountain and been surrounded by nature. There have been many highlights to living here.

What I wasn't prepared for was quite how far away it is from everything and everyone that we came back for. It sometimes feels like I'm on another planet never mind the other side of the UK. We've been very lucky in that some of our friends have been up to visit us, but it hasn't been possible for everyone. We've managed to go down south for a wedding and Harlequin fayre, but it took a LOT of time, money, and energy. I keep wondering why I haven't been able to save any money since being here, and realised it's because I spent everything on getting off the island to see my friends twice, for two weekends.

It's been quite a lonely few months up here. My colleagues are great, and the girls I work with every day are brilliant and have honestly kept me sane. But there haven't been many people we've connected with so we've spent a lot of time just the two of us. Good job we get on pretty well!

We also live in a houseshare, and at 31/32 having had our own place and thinking we'd never go back to housemates again, has felt like we've gone back 10 years. Unfortunately it's almost impossible to find a rental place in Tobermory as everywhere has been turned into holiday houses.

This week two of my friends back down south have each been to gigs/shows that I would have LOVED to have gone to. That's why I came back - to do these sorts of things with the people I care about. But stuck up here I can't do any of that. I may as well be on the other side of the world. Yet this was the only place we were both able to get a job.

We thought living up in Scotland would satisfy us and our need to live in a wild place. It's the closest we can get to the NZ way of life whilst still being in the UK. But for me I just find it frustrating being so close yet so far from our loved ones.

Now we're about to leave the island again as the summer season finishes. We're back to square one, and will probably go back to live with our parents and job hunt again. How long will it take this time? Another four months? Longer?

A few people have told Nick to just apply for any old thing, which I think is unfair. Marine conservation and wildlife is his passion and area of expertise. It'd be like telling an electrician to just get a job as a receptionist. Why should he settle for something else?

We're just tired of seasonal jobs now. We're in our 30s and the seasonal workers we meet are all in their early/mid 20s. We want to be a bit settled (I used to hate that word and now I'm craving it) and be able to have a dog and buy nice cushions and invite people over for dinner.

I am sorry for this negative post, I know none of these problems are that big. I know it'll all be fine and things will work out. I know these are first world problems and I should just pipe down and be grateful for the life I've got (which is bloody amazing to be fair). I'm just frustrated, I miss my friends and family, and I miss the life we had in Kaikoura. I felt closer to them in NZ than I do in Scotland.

We're looking into moving back over there. We've used up all the working holiday visa options but there are a few other possible ways of going back. It'll be difficult and cost a lot of money, and it'll be incredibly hard to leave everyone again. But both of us feel quite strongly that we're meant to live back there one day.

Usually I'd be able to rant about all of this over wine with my besties, then we'd all laugh and I'd realise everything is actually fine. But that isn't possible at the moment, and I am a millennial after all so the next best thing is ranting to the world over social media! You lucky lucky people.

Zombies and Sharks

Hi friends!

It's been a wee while since I've written anything on the ol' blog, or felt inspired to write anything for myself at all. The truth is I haven't felt very 'me' over the last few weeks and have been zombie-ing through life a bit by going to work, coming home, hiding in my room and watching Netflix, and not feeling much like anything. There have been some really great days where the sun has shone and I've swam in the sea and all has felt well, but overall, it's been a strange time and one that doesn't spark much inspiration, writing-wise.

I've blamed it on a lot of things - the weather up here (rainy 90% of the time), not being able to see my friends, having to live in a houseshare and not having our own space, and not feeling connected to anything or anyone here. All those factors have added to the 'meh' feeling and the more I feel that way, the less likely I am to do anything about it. It's easier and more comfortable to stay in my Netflix cave and zombie out.

Over the past couple of weeks I've been trying to get myself out of it and focus on things that make me feel like myself again. I've said yes to a couple of things I would have normally avoided, and have tried to focus on positive energy instead of getting bogged down by any negativity around me.

I also came across this blog I wrote a few months ago for a writing competition. I didn't win (HOW DARE THEY) so I didn't do anything with the post. When I re-read it this week it struck me that this was from a time where I felt absolutely empowered, inspired and happy, and truly ME. So I thought 'what the heck' and have decided to post it here. Enjoy:

We were about two minutes into our ascent, and I took a moment to take a final look below me. Two more thresher sharks were gliding smoothly back into the blue and I stopped briefly to watch them, still completely in awe of their graceful movement. As we continued upward, sunlight broke through the surface and danced around us making the water sparkle.

Pausing for our safety stop I took a moment to reflect on the last four days. A week ago, the idea of diving had made my heart palpitate with fear and I’d have laughed if someone told me I’d be able to conquer it in less than a week. Yet here I was just a few days later, ascending from a 30-metre shark dive and on a complete high. 

I looked across at the women I’d taken this journey with and could tell they were feeling the same joy. We played rock paper scissors while we counted down the minutes, and laughed through our regulators. It was surreal and wonderful, and it suddenly hit me that I’d never felt more alive or empowered as I did in this moment. My eyes brimmed with happy tears as I realised that facing my ultimate fear and learning to dive was the best decision I’d ever made.

I’ve always been a bit of a panicky person. The idea of running out of air in any setting gives me recurring nightmares and I can’t watch any films set in space or underwater in-case things go wrong (spoiler alert: they always do). I tried diving a few years ago and my instructor attempted to teach me a couple of skills. The moment I let my mask fill with water I panicked so much that he was forced to take me back up to the surface. The rest of the dive was a blur as I concentrated so hard on staying calm that I barely noticed any of the marine life around me. I wrote diving off after that – it clearly wasn’t for me.

Two years later and I’m travelling around South East Asia with Nick. He’s an experienced diver and would often go on dive adventures during our travels, whilst I did my own sightseeing on dry land. I enjoyed exploring on my own, but always wondered what I was missing out on underwater.

It was when we arrived in Malapascua, a small island in the Philippines, that the idea of learning to dive resurfaced. I would be spending the next few days here on my own as Nick was off to visit an old friend on another island. I was figuring out my plans and when he suggested getting my PADI open water, I decided on impulse to do it. I don’t know if it was being surrounded by the inviting turquoise Visayan sea that changed my mind or the fact that I was two Pina Coladas in, but it suddenly seemed like an excellent idea and excitement began to override the fear.

I signed up with Divelink Cebu and met my instructor who was wonderful and immediately put me at ease. Mariela encouraged me to let her know which parts frightened me (TAKING MY MASK OFF, DYING UNDERWATER, EVERYTHING!) and didn’t make me feel stupid when I panicked once again on our first dive. Instead, she invited me to put my trust in her, beautifully managed to convey her sense of humour underwater to calm me down, and by a couple of dives later I was filling my mask with water like it was the most normal part of my day.

On the boat heading out for our second dive, anxiety hit once again. I felt incredibly overwhelmed by the task, short of breath and downright terrified. As I sat on the edge of the rib and fought back tears, Mariela noticed that all was not well, and helped me get my breathing back to normal. She assured me she would be watching the whole time and that I ABSOLUTELY COULD do this. I eventually believed her, calmed myself down, and took the plunge.

By the time we had finished that second dive, something had clicked. Somehow in those 45 minutes the sensible part of my brain had taken over and restored calm, and the realisation had hit me out of the blue that this was...actually...fun?! It was all about breathing! Why had no one told me? Although there were some skills that took me a while to master, I was taking to diving like a…well…fish to water. By our fourth and final dive I had mastered my buoyancy and was finally able to relax, and in doing so, I was able to notice everything around me. Nudibranchs, huge brightly coloured coral, clownfish, pipefish, huge cushiony sea stars – it was a colourful world down there! I knew before we had even surfaced that I wanted more.

After qualifying as open water divers, my dive buddy Corinna and I immediately signed up to go on a thresher shark dive. It would be a dive down to 30 metres where the sharks hang out and we had to take another exam to be able to descend that far. We were both giddy with excitement (and nitrogen) at that point and couldn’t wait.

Malapascua is the only place in the world where you are almost guaranteed to see thresher sharks every day. Monad Shoal is a sunken island off Malapascua that drops down to 230 metres. The sharks live and hunt in the deep water but each morning before the sun comes up, will surface to 30 metres for a good old morning shower at the cleaning stations. It just so happens that there’s a natural ledge perfect for observers at this exact spot. Hence why hundreds of divers flock to Malapascua every day and usually can’t help but stay longer than they anticipated. This isn’t a dive you just want to do once.

Our shark dive was magnificent. We saw five thresher sharks in total and they were the most beautiful, graceful creatures I’d ever seen in the wild. Mariela seemed to be able to spot them appearing out of the blue way before my eyes had adjusted, and it was hard not to hold my breath as they’d silently glide past. I’ve never had a fear of sharks, and I felt so privileged to be in this proximity to them in their natural habitat. It was incredibly peaceful watching them doing their thing, uninterested in the divers watching them, just going about their daily business.

Our time at 30 metres was over way too quickly and soon we were back on the surface once again. On the boat back to Malapascua island, Corinna and I were absolutely buzzing, and the high lasted a good couple of weeks.

I'd completely recommend doing something that scares you. Facing my fear and learning to dive was the best thing I’ve ever done. The feeling of breathing underwater is addictive, freeing and totally exhilarating. I can’t wait to get back down there again.

What's the story in Tobermory?

Staying true to the name of this blog, Nick and I have once again uprooted and this time moved up to the Isle of Mull in Scotland. For those who don't know, Mull is the second largest island in the Inner Hebrides and lies just off the west coast of Scotland. We moved here because after a few months of sending off many, many, MANY job applications all over the country, Nick was offered a wildlife guide job for a whale and dolphin watching tour company. It is so incredibly hard to find an actual paying job in the marine conservation or marine tourism field in the UK, so it was such a relief for both of us when he was offered the position. I was then offered a role at the Hebridean Whale and Dolphin Trust, working in their visitors centre in Tobermory. I'm really enjoying it so far and get to talk about whales and dolphins all day long - heaven! Both our jobs are seasonal roles and will end some time around September/October when the town quietens down for the winter months.

That's Tobermory - you may recognize it from it's television alter ego Balamory!

We've been here a month now and it's safe to say that Mull is absolutely stunning. Even when driving around the island on a rainy day, the views take my breath away. The mountains are dramatic, the lochs and beaches are beautiful and the wildlife is epic. So far I've seen minke whales, common dolphins, harbour porpoise, puffins, red deer, golden eagles and white tailed eagles. Nick saw his first basking shark of the summer this week, and has had a few encounters with bottlenose dolphins (Scotland has the biggest bottlenose beasts in the world!) I feel very lucky to be spending a summer here and will try cram as much as possible into the next few months.

It feels like a different world up here. The water is so clear and some of the rock formations are insane. I never thought I'd get excited about rock formations but here we are. We went on a boat tour to Lunga to see the colony of puffins last week and oh my GAWSH are they cute. Did you know a baby puffin is called a PUFFLING?! As if they couldn't get more adorable.

Although we're incredibly grateful for these jobs, we're definitely at a point in life now where we'd quite like to stay in one place for a bit longer instead of moving from one seasonal job to the next. We both love going to new places and meeting new people, but being the 'newbies' all the time definitely takes it's toll, especially in small communities where friendships are already so tight.

It's really got me thinking about how moving around all the time affects us all and our emotional well-being. As humans we crave community, it's how our brains are wired. Once upon a time, you would be born in a certain town, grow up and get a job, marry a local, have kids and continue the cycle. Nobody would leave the place they grew up in and would therefore have a tight community of family and friends that would look out for one another. These days most of us will leave home at 18 and many won't end up going back. A lot of us will move cities, countries and even continents and won't settle down in the traditional sense, but keep moving to the next place, the next job, next adventure.

Now I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way to live out a life and there's definitely pros and cons to both. But from our own experience and talking to friends who are in the same position as us, not having that tight community of people around who know you, really know you properly, can leave you feeling out of place and a bit lost, even in the most beautiful of places. Sometimes all it takes is a connection with one or two other people and suddenly you feel a bit more at home, and sometimes it's something a lot bigger.

After the earthquake in Kaikoura our little community developed a bond so strong that I'll always feel a deep connection to the town and to everyone who went through it. We felt at home in Kaikoura much quicker than we probably would have if it wasn't for the earthquake because everybody pulled together to get through that difficult time, helping each other out and having each other's back when things were tough. It was community in the true sense of the word. I miss Kaikoura and New Zealand all the time and still feel like we're not quite done with it yet.

I'm not really sure what my point is here but it's something I've been mulling over, and a recent chat with a friend who's just moved to a new town and is struggling a bit got me thinking about it all. Saying all that, I wouldn't swap our adventures and the experiences we've had for the world!

We don't know what we're going to do when this season comes to an end in October, or where we'll end up anchoring down next, so watch this space. For now we're going to soak up as much of Mull as possible, see as much wildlife as we can, and enjoy each day of Scottish summer! The weather has been mostly lush so far, which everyone says is rare for Mull. I'm hoping it continues, but even if it doesn't, there are far worse places to be!

The F Word

On Sunday my friends and I donned suffragette sashes and rosettes, a generous amount of face glitter and a bucket load of righteous female attitude and marched our way through the rain towards Westminster Methodist Central Hall. We were joining over 1600 other folk at March4Women2019, an annual event usually in the form of a march across central London, but this year took the shape of an indoor rally.

The venue was no afterthought either. Methodist Central Hall happens to be an early meeting place of what would become the Suffragette Movement over 100 years ago. We let this fact sink in properly as we settled into our seats, and took a moment to think of all the incredibly brave women that came before and did so much for us. 

The afternoon was wonderful. A real joyful celebration of women opening with Beverley Knight singing 'I'm Every Woman'  and everybody dancing down the aisles.

There was more music and interviews with activists and badass women who have changed actual laws to improve the lives of women, men and non-binary folk. Celebrities including Helena Bonham Carter and David Tennant gave readings and Annie Lennox closed the event. It was just fantastic.

Beautiful Jayne reacting in the appropriate way as Annie Lennox arrives on stage

We left the venue inspired, empowered and full of energy, and marched off once more through the torrential rain in search of a pub where we could toast each other, and the heroines who risked everything for us a hundred years ago. 

I've wanted to write about feminism for a long time. The point of starting this blog was to give myself a blank slate to talk about all things that matter to me, instead of being restricted to travel writing. So far the posts have mostly been about travel and general life updates which is fine, but they are subjects I find easy to write about. Being a feminist is something I am proud of, but sometimes struggle to put into words.

This isn't uncommon and I know others have the same problem when it comes to talking about something that stirs up emotion. When I feel put on the spot, especially by someone with strong opposing views, I completely freeze and can't remember any of my own opinions never mind any facts. This usually results in an outburst of anger or emotional tears from myself, making any point that comes out of my mouth completely useless and just reinforces the other person's point of view.

I have so much admiration for friends who always seem to know what to say in these situations. My best friend Kate has always been incredible at debating, ever since we met aged 11. I remember watching her in awe during high school debates and marveling at how well she remembered key points, listened carefully to her opponent and gave amazing answers. I would sit silently at the back avoiding the teacher and praying I wasn't called on next! Kate says she suffers with emotional brain freeze all the time too, but to me it seems like she's always nailing it. 

I used to think 'Feminist' was a dirty word. Up until I was about 21 I was the type of person who would claim to 'just get on more easily with boys' despite having had solid female friendship groups my entire life. I thought being a feminist meant I had to HATE men, which obviously didn't sound appealing at all. My only obvious point of reference was an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch where she went back in time to the 60's and the women were talking about being feminists and burning their bras. I genuinely thought being a feminist meant I had to burn my bras, stop shaving my legs and throw away my hair straighteners and make up. To sum up...I WAS CLUELESS. Good job I had Kate as a best friend!

Kate has improved my life in many ways over the past 20 years but one of the things I will thank her for to the end of my days was when she lent me her copy of Caitlin Moran's How To Be A Woman. This book completely changed my life. I learned that being a feminist didn't mean any of the things I had previously thought. In the first chapter she breaks it down into such a simple definition even my tiny ignorant brain could handle it:

She wrote that all it means is the belief that everybody should be equal. That is all. No bra burning. No leg hair growing (unless you want to, which is absolutely fine too), no hair straightener binning (luckily I did this on my own anyway a few years later). Just the belief in equality for all, focusing on addressing the imbalance between men and women.

The way she wrote about feminism made it sound exciting and fun, a club that I wanted to be a part of. She made me realise I already WAS a feminist, I just hadn't noticed yet. It also stirred something in my heart that had been lying dormant for years but was more than ready to wake up. I cried a lot whilst reading the book, realising that so many things that had happened to me and my friends in the past that I thought were normal and fine, were absolutely not. That the way my gender was treated by male friends, boyfriends, strangers and the media was wrong and 'boys being boys' wasn't an excuse that sat with me well anymore. I realised that we live in a patriarchal society whose expectations of men and women continuously lead to serious problems for all genders.

After I finished the book I read it again from the start to finish. I was angry that it had taken me so long to have this epiphany, but I was excited and ready to start living as a baby feminist. I began to notice inequality everywhere I turned. It may have been more comfortable living in my previous bubble but I was so glad to have finally woken up to this new way of looking at life. 

I realised feminist heroes had been there all along quietly pushing me in the right direction. As an eight year old Disney Princess obsessive convinced that once you find your 'prince' and get married everything will be OK, the Spice Girls were the heroines I didn't know I needed. My parents may have been shocked at my abrupt change of music taste (and clothes) but they taught me that girls could have fun and support each other without a prince in sight. I spent most of my 13th year singing along with Destiny's Child about how "I pay my own fun and I pay my own bills, always fifty fifty in relationships" (spoiler alert readers: I had no bills and had never been in a relationship) but was SOLD on the idea of being an Independent Woman. Leia was there too, showing me that princesses can save themselves and be total bad-asses even when it seems like you're the only woman in a galaxy full of men.

There were the women in my real life too of course. My Mum, starting her own business from scratch and generally being the most loving, kind and amazing person I know. My Granny, always doing exactly what she wanted and never settling. All of my Aunties and my female cousins, all inspirational women who have fought their own tough battles. And of course Kate - my best friend and soul sister. Thank you for sticking by me when I declared myself 'not a feminist'. For patiently explaining what it actually meant. For showing me unconditional love and support all the time. For lending me 'How To Be A Woman.' For fighting every day for women and our equality. You're a radical feminist babe!

Annie Lennox closed the March4Women event by encouraging us all to be 'Global Feminists'. To believe in the ‘equality of rights, with empowerment and justice made available to every woman and girl in every corner of the world".This is something I want to take seriously and use my privilege as a white western woman to be an advocate for those who's voices aren't heard. You can read more about Annie's work here and how to get involved.

There's a lot more I want to say. This post is just the start, an introduction really. I hope to focus on and write about specific issues, interview women about their stories, and hopefully report back on a lot more marches and rallies. 

Peace, Love and Girl Power x

What to do when you're 'stuck in a funk'

I've been using this phrase a lot recently. I've lost track of the amount of times I've said it. It wasn't until my friend Lizzy asked me what I meant by 'a funk' that I questioned whether it's an actual phrase at all. Is it a Kiwi thing? Did I make it up? Has everyone else been too polite/confused to question what the heck I'm going on about?! (totally appreciate the tough love though Lizzy)

Well to me it's a cross between 'stuck in a rut' (clearly what normal people say), and 'no idea what I'm doing'. It actually makes it sound a bit jollier than it really is. I'd like to be stuck in a different kind of funk. An Uptown Funk maybe. WOAH. I'm not even kidding, about two minutes after I typed that sentence, Uptown Funk came on the radio. Am I in the Truman Show or something?! Excuse me for two minutes while I demonstrate my incredible and underrated dance moves to Margot the dog. (Nick's Dad's dog...not mine)

Ok I'm back and Margot has left the room in embarrassment. At least she's not climbing on my lap and attempting to place her chewed up toy IN MY ACTUAL MOUTH as I try and type, which is our usual relationship dynamic.

I'm not going to bore you with my predicament at the moment, as it was summed up morosely in my last post. Things are crawling forward; it was never going to be a speedy ride. Nick is on a roll and is applying for jobs left, right and center. We still don't have an exact area in mind to live in and we're leaning towards the South West coast, but a couple of jobs in Scotland have appeared so who knows. I'm pretty relaxed about either location, although the south coast is quite a fair bit warmer, plus I love cider.

I am attempting to break into the world of freelance writing. Unfortunately for you, this probably means I will be sharing more blog posts like this, and links to articles I've written for other sites AND FORCE YOU TO READ THEM. ALL OF THEM. OK?

The upside of this is that if it works out, I can work pretty much anywhere so there's less pressure on both of us finding a job at the same time in the same place. Also we can get a dog. I feel like I mention wanting to get a dog in every blog post no matter what the initial subject is.

The downside is that it involves a lot of hustling, something as as serial 'sorry to bother you but if you get a sec could you take a look at this please ONLY if you have time of course sorry, sorry, sorry' type, I'm not amazing at yet.

It's a strange time at the moment. We're in a sort of limbo and it's easy for us to feel frustrated, misunderstood and worried (we are millennials after all!) or just feel stuck in a big ol' FUNK. However, noticing this is important as is making an active attempt to get out of it. With this in mind, here are the ways I'm trying to bring myself out of my funky funk:

1. Appreciating the small things

I honestly can't remember the last time Mum and I sat in the living room with a cup of tea just chatting and doing...nothing. For the past few years every time we'd see each other it would be for a celebration, or a quick visit where we'd have to cram in as much as possible. There is such a joy in just hanging out, talking or watching T.V. I know I've been pretty moody and difficult since getting home (does anybody else revert back to their teenage self when they're with their parents?!) but my rents have been so patient and kind to me, and I really appreciate them.

2. Going OUTSIDE

I am terrible for this. I absolutely love the outdoors, I feel rejuvenated and alive the moment I step out the front door and gulp in some fresh air. I get excited just seeing a squirrel. HOWEVER. I am also one of the laziest people I know and could quite possibly spend five days in a row without leaving the house if I was left on my own. This almost happened last week. If it wasn't for Nick I may have become a hermit by now, but I must keep reminding myself how important it is to leave the house every day. It's an instant psychological boost.

3. Getting crafty

When I moved to New Zealand I got into creating my own cross-stitches and embroidery. The act of creating does wonders for my mood and motivation. It makes me feel productive and like I've achieved something, which I think is important especially when I'm not working. As Nick Offerman so wisely puts: "Making anything with one's hands is a very healthy pursuit." Well said Nick. I completely agree.

4. Making time for my buds

This one has been tricky. I'm not earning at the moment so have to be incredibly careful with what I spend my money on. Our family and friends were the sole reason we came home, yet seeing them right now requires a lot of travel and spending. Seeing my buddies gives me such a boost though, so I think any money spent on getting to them is completely worth it. They inspire me, make me laugh and remind me why I'm here.

5. Keep writing

When I spoke to Kate (bestie) about my idea of freelance writing for a living, she encouraged me to just write something every day, to get the juices flowing. Even if its just for me to read. I took her advice and have been writing (mostly nonsense) each day about how I'm feeling, or something that's inspired me that day. It's been amazing and she was totally right of course - it really has helped me find my 'writing voice' and each day I find I have a new idea of a piece I want to write about. Now I just need to find a way to get paid to do it! ANYONE?! 

*tumbleweed*

I don't have a plan. I don't even have a 'pl'

I've finally settled on a name for this blog. 'All over the place' refers not only to my location over the past few years but also the general state of my thoughts, life plans, emotions AND hair (chuckle). It's also a phrase I've used a LOT over the past couple of weeks since returning to England when asked how I'm feeling about being home.

The truth is I'm not feeling too positive right now. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of Christmas celebrations, reunions with friends and family, lots of prosecco and lots of attempting over and over again to answer the dreaded question: SO...what's the plan now?

I naively wasn't expecting to be faced with this question as much as we have. I get it - our loved ones care about us and want to know what's next for our lives. It's a natural question to ask and I'm grateful to have people in my life that are genuinely interested in us. I just didn't expect the focus to be immediately on what's next when the past three months have been some of the greatest of my life.

I'm not totally self-absorbed and I know that travel tales are only really interesting for the people who were there. I don't want to be the person who bangs on about their "totally life affirming experiences in South East Asia yah," while everyone glazes over and looks for the nearest exit. I guess I was hoping we could ride the wave of answering questions about our travels for a few days before discussing what to do next because...spoiler alert folks: we have no idea!!

Coming back has also triggered what one of my friends called 'reverse culture shock'. I'm back in my home country but feel like an outsider. I notice EVERYTHING around me both the good and the bad. I am mesmerised and horrified by how many shops there are; I want to buy everything I see at the same time as wanting to run away from all the 'things' everywhere. I want to find a home for us that we can finally make our own but also feel dread at the thought of being 'tied down' to anything, anywhere. I am craving the company of the friends I haven't seen for months but am scared of the anxiety that discussing my future will bring.

I feel like I have one foot still in New Zealand and just a toe dipped into England; I realise it's not a helpful position to be in and should throw myself into life back here but I just can't make the leap.

When we first arrived in New Zealand three years ago I felt completely out of my comfort zone. I remember sitting in a house we were looking after a couple of weeks after we arrived and just crying and crying. I didn't understand how I was going to fit into this strange new country that seemed to offer nothing for the person I was back then.

I felt like I was in Nick's shadow with nothing to say for myself as the conversations with locals usually turned to what outdoorsy hobbies we were into, wildlife that I knew nothing about and past travel experiences of which I had NONE. Nick was in his element and it was clear this was a country made for an interesting, well travelled, outdoorsy marine enthusiast, but not so much for a city girl who worked in the media industry and thrived on organisation, planning events, and seeing friends.

I already missed my friends, felt like they made up a significant part of my personality and just felt completely lost. Nick was amazingly supportive I should add, and skillfully helped me out of my funk and out of my shell again.

I feel like a completely different person now. NZ softened me, changed my heart and set alight passions within me that I didn't know I had. Being away from everybody and everything I knew and starting again gave me the space to figure out what I really thought and cared about instead of being influenced by everyone around me, something I've always struggled with. It's impossible to live there without falling in love with the ocean and it's incredible inhabitants. The mountains took my breath away every day and made me feel connected to something bigger than myself. I began to understand the devastating effect that our modern lifestyle is having on the planet. The marine life on my doorstep gave me something to focus on during those days where eco-friendly living seemed like a chore.

There was no 'planning' anything other than where to spend our next weekend. Both of us felt connected to the country in a way that I never had to anywhere before. For us, it wasn't just a three year working holiday and now we're back to reality. It could have been our reality forever if we had decided to put all of our efforts into trying to stay. The truth is I miss it so much. I feel homesick for Kaikoura and the life we had there. It wasn't perfect of course, but it was a life that suited us.

Once again I feel like a square peg in a round hole (is that the saying?!) I've known for ages this was going to be the most difficult part and I've had friends move back home after living abroad who struggled to fit back in. I know my situation isn't unique and it's absolutely not the world's biggest problem. I recognise how privileged I am and feel completely wretched moaning away when many of you reading this have been and are still going through a lot of real scary life stuff at the moment.

But if you can't pour your confused emotions into your own blog where can you aye?