It's been quite some time since I brain vommed my thoughts all over this blog. A year in fact. So long that my internet browser didn't automatically fill in the URL when I started typing it. It had assumed, along with me, that I'd given this blog up just like the last one. The web page even looked a bit old and dusty, until I realised it was just my ANCIENT laptop's massive dodgy screen that was covered in dust. (I'm determined to resist buying a new laptop until this one properly conks out)
I just haven't felt that burning urge to write for so long. Sometimes an idea would pop into my head but once written down it looked lame, immature and ridiculous. When we were moving around all the time, travelling, gathering stories, experiences and lessons it was easy to write. It's no trouble finding inspiration when you're living somewhere interesting and beautiful. Staring at the ocean, or a mountain range. Anyone could do it.
Living in landlocked Hertfordshire during a lockdown hasn't brought quite the same kind of inspiration. Staring at the same walls day in and day out, watching the TV (or the Box of Doom it should probably be called now) and wondering if the world was ending made me too anxious to do anything. I saw others producing beautiful, articulate and well-thought out articles about the pandemic and lockdown and wondered why I couldn't do the same. I assumed then that I was actually a terrible writer, could only write when I was having a good time, off on my jollies prancing about the planet.
I should point out that Hertfordshire really isn't that bad. It has a lot of beautiful countryside, many fields of wheat of which Theresa May could only but dream of running through, and lovely rivers and ponds. I've been very fortunate to discover some crackin' local walks this year. It's just y'know, not where I want to be.
It's been an eventful year of course, but I didn't feel I had the right to talk about my experiences of 2020 so far when really, I haven't had it that bad. Yes, we had to postpone our wedding. So did a thousand other couples, a lot of whom had a much harder time of it than we did. Sure, I was furloughed. I still received full pay and am now back at my job. Many weren't so lucky. Yes lockdown has been hard in our tiny flat with no garden. But at least I've got Nick with me, and haven't experienced the loneliness I know a lot of others have.
This year I've watched relationships break down, pregnancies go wrong, the loss of loved ones, jobs and homes. Friends having to abruptly leave countries they had come to call home. Families unable to see each other for months. New dads not allowed to see their babies. Friends scared to leave their houses because of the colour of their skin. People dealing with all the shit life can throw at a person, all the while navigating their way through a global pandemic. And that's just people I actually know.
In the wider world there have been men and women killed because they are black. Families forced to flee their homes, cross oceans then being denied safety, or left to live in extreme poverty by those in power who think they are somehow more important than other human beings. Trans women beaten and robbed while bystanders watch and do nothing to help.
I could have written about the Black Lives Matter movement, but do we really need another privileged white woman's take on this? (no - but please look up black female authors instead). I could have written pages about the conservation issues that this pandemic has brought to light. But I just couldn't bring myself to when reading about it was so depressing.
I should probably stop complaining about my lack of a garden tbh.
I'm not saying we can't talk about our own problems because other people have it worse. We wouldn't keep quiet about our happy moments because others have been happier would we?! I'm just saying if I couldn't be bothered to write about my 2020 woes, how could I expect others to want to read them?
The world seems like an ugly and desperate place right now. It's important to open our eyes to what's going on. To be aware of our privilege. To do what we can to help whatever that means - protest, donate, have conversations, educate ourselves and ensure we are NOT bystanders.
I think if there's a positive to come out of this year it's that we've had a lot of thinking time. Time to figure out what matters to us. What we want to do with our time on this planet. Who we want to spend that time with. Where we want to spend it.
The world may go back to how it was before, pre NHS clapping and neighbourly friendliness (we already had a bin stolen last week and I'm now suspicious of everyone on my street) but I hope we can remember those early weeks of lockdown when we were all terrified, but somehow felt bonded in our fear. There were so many little acts of kindness during those weeks, pure moments of connection and joy and humanity.
We need to hold on to our tiny pieces of positivity too. Whether that's a smile from a stranger behind a mask (thanks Tyra Banks for teaching millenials how to SMIIIIZZEEEE). Or sitting in a beer garden again. Or appreciating the micro achievements of this year, if there have been any. If there haven't, who cares - you've survived 2020 this far and that is cause to celebrate.
To end with something positive, here are some 'skills' I've learned during lockdown/a list of things I've been meaning to get around to for about 10 years and had no excuse to put off anymore once I was trapped in my flat with no job or friends to distract me:
1. Spanish. Quiero mas vino por favor! (this skill is ongoing but I've learned the most important sentence anyway)
2. How to correctly use a moon cup. Genuine life changer.
3. How to actually manage my hair. HELLO CURLY GIRL METHOD! This has been a game changer and I feel I could write an entire blog post about it (cue much screaming and escaping from anyone I've rabbited on about this to in the last couple of months) I won't, don't worry. I now get to spend about 5 hours, once a week looking like this:
4. Running. I've been running on and off for a few years but it's mostly been off and I've never got further than 4k without thinking I will surely die. Over lockdown though I've actually started *GASP* enjoying it and am one run away from FINALLY completing a Couch to 5K, an app that I have downloaded about 75,000 times, but never finished in the last decade.
I actually didn't think I'd done ANYTHING productive this year until I made this wee list, so I'd highly recommend doing the same - it makes you feel pretty good!
